Do you attend religious rituals for your family?

[Thor]

Oh oh oh I Know!

Send it back with a happy letter claiming it really worked! You used it to pray you would get laid that night and 'lo and behold, you got laid!

Then say you've provided proof. The proof is in the stains on the cloth!

Then imagine the old lady opening it and starting to read your emo filled letter. She may start "awwww" and weeping at the glorious letter clutching the 'prayer rag' holding it against her cheek.

Until she gets to "that part", screams and flings the rag across the room.

That would be classic.



IMO.

That is a great idea! I'll keep it in mind the next time I get one! Actually, the first time I got one of these "rugs" I drew horns on Jesus's head and gave him fangs dripping with blood. I also gave him the eyes of a cat. I then included this letter (Sorry for the length, but I didn't want to leave any of it out).

Dear Saint Matthew’s Church,

Thank you so much for the prayer rug! I felt that Jesus was surely smiling upon me the day I received your wonderful gift in the mail! At last, I have hope!

I showed your letter to my paraplegic mother who praised Jesus in all His glory! My teenage daughter Louise was thrilled to hear that we would soon be blessed by God! (Unfortunately, Louise could not read your letter as she has been blind since I accidentally mixed bleach into her oatmeal when she was two). I had to share this wonderful news with my family, so I promptly phoned my brother (who lost both legs in that terrible mining accident, but fortunately he has recently found a new job as a doorstop). I also ran to my sister’s house and she was excited to hear of our good fortune! She asked if I could share my blessing and use the rug to pray for her husband who lost three fingers and his nose when that firecracker went off unexpectedly at last year’s fourth of July celebration (he does look a bit odd as that putty nose they gave him doesn’t quite match his skin tone). Of course I said yes! After reading all the testimonials from people who have been blessed after using your rug, I told Charlotte that her husband should have a new nose very shortly! Finally, I went to the nursing home and read your letter to my Aunt Mildred. I’m sure she was happy for me, but it’s difficult to know for sure because she mostly stares at the ceiling and drools into a cup.

I then used the prayer rug as instructed and asked God for his blessings. Jesus be praised!

I now must tell you of what has happened since I prayed using your rug.

I asked God to let my invalid mother walk again.

Well, mom hit the $100 jackpot at Bingo! And she was convinced that your prayer rug helped her get this windfall! When she got the last number (B-9!) she screamed, “Oh! Praise Jesus! Praise Jesus!”. Unfortunately, in mom’s excitement, she reached her arms toward heaven and bounced in her chair. This caused her wheelchair to flip over which sent the table tumbling with Bingo chips flying everywhere! Mom fell backwards and cracked her head on Mr. Nitlicky’s walker. Mom is now in the hospital mostly staring at the ceiling and drooling into a cup. But I guess we are lucky. That hundred dollars will come in handy paying mom’s hospital bills.

I prayed for Louise to have her sight restored.

The next day I told Louise to get in the car and drive us to town. Louise said she couldn’t because she is blind. I told her that we must have faith in the Lord. Surely, God would see that we have total faith in him and He will restore her sight as promised by the prayer rug! Louise started the car and we started down the driveway. She was nervous but I told her to go faster. This would show the Lord that we have complete faith! Unfortunately, Louise drove across the road and smashed into the neighbor’s swing set. Luckily the kids saw us coming and scattered before we hit. I’m certain that God made sure no kids got hurt! The neighbors were rather upset that I was allowing my blind daughter to drive a car. I tried explaining the power of the prayer rug but they didn’t understand. Some people just can’t appreciate the mystery that is God! Anyway, I had to build a new swing set for the neighbors. Oh, and Louise is still blind.

I prayed for my brother to have both of his legs restored.

Stan was so confident that God would restore his legs that he signed up to play softball! (At family gatherings we jokingly refer to him as “Stan-the-half-a-man”, but I digress). When the people asked him how he could play softball with no legs he just told them about the prayer rug and that God was going to give him back his legs! These people just laughed at him. They obviously don’t comprehend the miracles that God can perform! Anyway, they allowed Stan to sign up for the team. They told him that he could always be useful as a foul line marker. I know that sounds kind of mean, but they really are nice people. They want Stan to lead the team when they do their pre-game jumping jacks!

Unfortunately, Stan won’t be able to help the softball team because he has since cut off his right hand with a circular saw. This tragic event unfolded as he was trying to cut wood to help us construct that new swing set for the neighbors. Stan is trying to look on the bright side. He says that at least he doesn’t need to worry about tying shoelaces! Although he does wonder how he will manage to clap when he goes to a concert.

I prayed for my sister’s husband Fred to have his nose and fingers restored.

Fred thanked me for praying for him and, inspired that God is looking after him, decided to take his family camping in the mountains. On their first day in the woods a bear wandered into their camp. My sister and the kids were scared, but Fred told them there was nothing to be afraid of. After all, bears are God’s creatures, and God would never allow one of his creations to harm a person! Fred then took a doughnut and approached the bear. Other campers were screaming at Fred not to go near the bear. What do these fools know of God’s loving protection? Anyway, Fred offered the doughnut to the bear and…. Well, at least no one notices that Fred’s nose doesn’t match his skin tone anymore! I guess when you have one ear, a big chunk of missing scalp and no lips, an odd looking nose doesn’t stand out so much.

Finally, I prayed for my Aunt Mildred to be restored to her previous health and youth.

But she still just stares at the ceiling and drools into a cup.

I’m thinking that perhaps your prayer rug might be defective. Please examine it and make sure that there are no flaws with it before you send it on to someone else. I hate to say it, but Jesus actually looks a little creepy.

I look forward to receiving more of your prayers!



Jesusly yours,



Lovett Inderhiney